As always, before we get into the postmortem, I've updated the game! It includes more outfits in the dress up sections and two new CGs. I unfortunately couldn't get the dress up section to work in browser, so it's going to stay download only for now! Many apologies! Maybe in the future when I have more time I'll figure it out but for now onto the actual post.

Man, creative burn out sure does suck, huh?

For context, my life for the past year and a half has been on Fire and my health could be better (I feel like my reputation in the Velox Jam circle is the Person who is Always Sick LMAO). And I think it's a bit inevitable that when life is rough, it affects your creative well. I wouldn't say I was burnt out in the past year in a creative sense, just that I was burnt out period. But since I was so tired I had come to a point where I never wanted to work on anything ever or touch a single creative project because I had no energy. And if I did have energy I hated everything I did. It was never-ending.

I also think that when you have a heap of responsibilities to attend to and fires to put out, you think 'What's the point of making art? Isn't it just a waste of time? No one even cares about what I make anyway.' (This is the devil talking, fyi. Throw the bastard into the sun). I think these thoughts just also hit harder the older you get. I'm in my late twenties now, and there is the haunting thought of how illegal it feels to be doing art if I'm not a God tier artist or something (Again, kill the devil in your shoulder).

These thoughts also get confounded with the fact that you really don't have time to make art. I wasn't going to do the last round of Velox Turbo if I hadn't been asked to help out with art and coding just because I didn't have the time (I was also, you guessed it, sick). The business and lack of time made it a little too easy to want to give up and lie down.

From like November-March, my head was a mantra of 'I hate my art, I hate my art, I hate my art' over and over into infinity and sending me spiraling into the ends of the earth.

But You Love Art

I cannot for the life of me find it right now (if I do I will come back and link it) but there is this semi famous comic strip on tumblr about this very thing where an artist gets so wrapped up in their head about art and all the negative feelings that come with it. In the midst of that endless darkness of their thoughts, wondering why they even bother to make art in the first place, their child self shows up and takes their hand, telling them, "But you love art."

Its one of my favorite comics ever and every time it comes across my dash I tear up and reblog it without fail. I think every adult creative has felt this way at some point. It isn't like its anything new. The feelings Io and Juniper are going through isn't anything new. There are points where you find yourself without passion for the craft anyone, or sometimes you straight up hate it. You tell yourself you're going to quit. You're never going to type another word, draw another line, film another video, knit another scarf. And it's easy to get stuck in that because, I mean, who cares right? If you're a creative who gets zero engagement, its easy to think no one will care if you vanish off the face of the earth. And even if you are popular, its easy to think people will forget about you soon enough. There's no winning when you're in a bad spot creatively.

I've thought about giving up on art many times throughout my years. It was the worst in high school thanks to teen angst, and sometimes the whispers of it come back as an adult when things are rough. But here's the thing. When I don't create, it's like I'm missing a limb. It's like I'm ripping out my own heart. Maybe others will never love the things I make, but I do goddamnit. We all love the art we make. We just get so caught up in thinking we shouldn't we start to think we don't.

But that isn't true. Would we really keep going, keeping making things, if we didn't? I love my art, even on the bad days. Even when I don't have the time for it. Even when everything I release is a flop. I replay my games all the time. I smile at the memories of making. I really do love what I've made, even if I didn't feel the way in the moment.

And you love art, too.

For the love of being 'mid'

Listen, I know you've heard this before too, but by god please make bad art. Please please please make bad art. Some of my all time favorite books/shows/games/etc are things that would be considered 'bad' art. You know why? Because anything made by human hands can rarely, truly, be 'bad.'

Join jams, make shitty games, make friends, play those games later and feel warmed by the memory of the process. Being a creative is hard, especially when you're in the realm of 'average' or 'beginner.'

I've spent my whole life writing. It's, like, the one thing I'm good at (and when I say good, I just mean I've written so long everything is tailored to be my favorite thing specifically LOL). I also like to draw as a hobby and accidentally got into game development out of spite (long story). Honestly, I like my art, too, but it doesn't fit any of the popular trends and I think that makes it easier to slip into the mantra of 'I hate it.' As for game deving...well, I'm a slow learner but I like to think I'm doing pretty good considering its only been two and a half years. I'm always trying new things, and while that means some of my stuff consistently seems amateurish and broken, I am adding to my skill set. With that said, hating my games is the easiest thing to hate of all the creative things I like to do.

After all this time, you'd think I would have figured it out by now that I don't have to be the best at something to have fun with art, or even for my art to connect to others! In these past few years of making games I've found there are people who connect to my games regardless. And I think sometimes its hard to remember that, especially when you keep focusing on others and seeing how cool they all are. It's a classic case of imposter syndrome. And I think we all need that reminder. As long as you put your heart into your work, it'll connect with someone, somewhere. And that's really what it's all about.

This all ties into the game I promise

Aliferous is about falling out of love with art. It's also about struggling to connect with anything you make. It's about not being good enough, and being afraid to try because you might not be good enough. It's also about loving art anyway and making the choice to keep going. In the midst of my own creative lows, I really didn't want to make something that is just about that infinite despair. I wanted something that was a lot more hopeful and kind. Even in the midst of your deepest doubt, you can still find joy in what you make.

I will not lie to you, I did cry writing certain lines LMAO When Juniper was like "I love the way humans love things. But it hurts sometimes. When can I be like them? When do I stop being a cheap imitation?" I just put my head down and took a break for an hour. It's a specific feeling I hadn't felt since my youth, but it was also a feeling I'd never bothered to think about or really process. I was very much like Juniper in the way that she views all her peers as so much better than her. Growing up, all my friends were God Tier artists and I loved everything they made. I was perfectly content with cheering them on and not trying myself. Why make myself pale in comparison to others when I can help the people with actual talent be noticed. 

I've never been jealous of other creatives, really. In fact, I'm so in love with people's art the concept always feels so wildly foreign. But at the same time, making yourself small for others isn't the healthy path either!!! Not taking up space, not sharing your work, always talking down about your art? You're killing your joy in the light of comparison. I actually think I would be at the same level as some of my peers if I hadn't spent so much of my youth tearing myself down, and saying it was ok because I was lifting others up who 'deserve it more.' Honestly, it's wild to me how I thought of things back as a teenager vs now. 

And then there's Io. I do think the time limit of the jam really cut into a lot of what his character was meant to be. I mentioned in the jam reflection thread, but I could turn this into an entire game (I have 3 LIs planned out tbh sdafklj but even a full Io route would be like 30k words or something. I just know it). He has a lot going on in how his querness intersects with his art and why he lost passion for it. I won't go into that rant though, just in case this does become a full game. 

The Other Games

This the part where I yell at you to play every entry <3 The ONLY other jam I struggled with voting was the very first Velox Jam because I suck at rating objectively (and also objectively in comparison with others). After doing enough ranked jams I managed to get the hang of it and stopped feeling bad not giving everything top ratings LOL. Then this jam happened and I really wanted to give everyone 5 stars, especially in the art/visual category. My god, y'all were cracked. Every game was so beautiful to look at and I don't understand how you guys did it in 36 hours. 

It was honestly so cool to see just how strong all the entries were this time around. I always enjoy the games I play, but this time around I felt like I could feel the improvement of people who have joined the jam in the past. And for the new faces, they just came in swinging. I love each and every game dearly.

Lastly, as always, thanks to the Velox Jammers for making this another great jam! I can't wait to play your games again and bother you each and every one of you with my comments and adoration :>